


When the force fails, you fall onto others

by anakinslut



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Star Wars Setting, Anakin Skywalker Doesn't Turn to the Dark Side, Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Depression, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:28:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28748457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anakinslut/pseuds/anakinslut
Summary: Anakin Skywalker has had a really hard life. Point Blank. He isn't sure when it started but when he opens his eyes he's at rock bottom.orAnakin Skywalker falls down a deep hole of depression and starts using self harm as a coping mechanism
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker
Kudos: 19





	When the force fails, you fall onto others

**Author's Note:**

> Like any normal person would I spent an hour procrastinating sleep at 3 am and wrote this instead. I only have very brief fanfiction writing skills and this is my first star wars one so please be nice :-)

Fuck. What do I do now. 

They told me to wait in the temple. God, why didn’t I wait in the temple?

Going against orders, Anakin decides he needs to know what was happening with the chancellor and jump starts the first fighter jet he could find. After breaking several driving laws he sprints up the chancellor's office, running right into master Windu about to kill Palpatine.

Why does Palpatine have to be a sith lord? For once in my life could a parental relationship go right.

“Master Windu, do you think this is the best solution! Just killing him!”

“Anakin stay back, I told you to wait.” Mace says

“Well you know me, did you think I was going to listen?” Mace must be really off his game to have thought that order would work on me.

“Anakin, Palpatine is dangerous, and as much as I would like to use the proper methods of bringing him down he has killed several Jedi masters and has left me no choice”

Thinking about what he has said I know that this is the only way so I sigh and nod forcing myself to not look away from the scene. Palpatine can’t know I’m weak. He can’t know I need him. He can’t know any of the thoughts going through my head at the moment, so keeping a neutral expression I watch his eyes dimming, his already pale skin ashen, his lungs push a final exhale as Mace strikes his final blow. I know I shouldn’t be upset about this, I should be celebrating the death of the man we have been hunting. But I just can’t do it I trusted him, I told him about my mother and what I had gone through to try and save her. The feelings that had resurfaced as Obi-Wan and I were guarding senator Amadala. How I dealt with the aftermath of it all. I told him everything, not only have I lost the only father I have ever known, I lost him due to my error in judgment. Had I just listened to the warnings given to me by other Jedi, I wouldn't have grown so close to the man, and I wouldn’t be left with this hole deep in my heart.

I go through the rest of the movements in a ghost-like way. I feel like I am floating through life but someone has attached me to chains as a reminder of the bad in my life. When I get back to my room at the tower I have an urge I haven’t felt since I was 12 years old. The urge to take a blade to my wrist to release frustration, and let my brain rest for a second. I stopped when Obi-Wan had found me one day and made me spill everything to him. I had told him all about the way that I felt like I was carrying the world on my shoulders, with everyone thinking I was the one to bring balance to the force they thought I could handle physical and mental abuse every day. In their words, they are “making sure my head doesn’t get too full”. The only way I had found to release the burden was by distracting myself, and the pain the cuts brought served the purpose very well. Obi had made me promise to never do it again, and if I ever felt like I wanted to again to go to him so I could find a better distraction. I have kept my promise all these years never wanting to let the man I see as a brother down, instead of releasing myself I became very focused on my lightsaber skills. Practicing not only at the scheduled times but also almost every night. On top of that, I started journaling which I thought was useless for all of five minutes until I realized it was helping to not keep all my thoughts pent up without the guilt of putting my issues onto someone else. Slowly but surely I got better, my life was finally turning around and I had also skyrocketed to the most skilled of my age, so I finally had a way to look on the bright side. 

Dragging all those memories is making my insides turn, I NEED to cut, I DON’T need to second guess everything. Finally, the inner turmoil stops as I without even thinking about it disassembled my razor and start to cut neat lines into the delicate skin of my arms. With relief creeping up the back of my spine, I throw my head back against my wall, letting the calm of the moment uplift my spirits. After I have recovered from the slip in my progress I hurriedly clean up and attend to my new wounds. I tell myself it was a one time thing knowing it was a lie, self harm to me was like a drug, a crutch that releases you from everything. And now that I have reminded myself of this astounding feeling, I know I am going to keep craving more.

Life starts passing in a blur, with me barely paying attention to what is happening around me. I can’t remember when I restarted my bad habit but it has sucked me in faster than anything else ever has. Cutting only when I am stressed turns into cutting about once a week and then it just devolves from there. Right now I am feeding the addiction for the third time today. I know Obi-Wan is in our shared apartment but I just can’t help myself. Without realizing it, I leave the door unlocked, a beckon for something bad to happen. 

Obi-Wan opens the door to the bathroom to a sight he had wished to never see again. Anakin sits on the floor, eyes concentrated on the arm he is obliterating. Because he is surprised a yelp leaves his mouth causing Anakin to jump, and consequently dragging the razor blade vertically down his forearm. 

“ Oh my god! Anakin are you alright!”

“Um, yes I think I'm fine, if you just leave that would be great” Shit, he was not supposed to be seeing this. The cherry on top is the large slice now down my arm that is stinging more than anything else ever has.

“Anakin, you’re bleeding out the floor, I think you need to go to the medical wing.”

“No thanks Obi, this isn’t anything I haven’t handled before.” The last thing I meant to do was upset the man, that is I hadn’t gone for help when I relapsed, he would be distressed. 

“The long cut you have made is bleeding quite a lot, it might need stitches” Obi-Wan replies with a shaky voice.

Looking down I realize he is correct, the wound has started to puddle underneath of me. Not sure what I should do I jump to my feet, but as soon as I do I realize that it has been a mistake. I see Obi yelling but no sound reaches me and then my ey-

The next thing I know, I am waking up to a steady high pitched beeping noise. Even without my eyes open, I can tell where I have woken up in this situation many times before. This time, however, I can’t seem to recall what I am here for.

“Anakin, are you awake?”

I flutter my eyelids and groggily reply “yes, but I wish I wasn’t, I am far too tired.” with that a cup of water is thrust into my hand because the person must have heard the scratch to my voice. My brain finally catching up with its thoughts I shoot my eyes open and frantically look around. I know Obi-Wan was yelling before my memory stops, I have to make sure he is not too worried about me.

“Honey you need to calm down, you are going to make yourself pass out”

Glancing towards the mystery person I realize it is the Zabrak, Macy, who works as a nurse in the medical wing. 

“Obi-Wan! Where is he? Is he okay?”

“That poor man has been sat in here for three days, I was finally able to convince him to go take a shower because he was starting to smell.”

In a small voice, I ask “Do you know when he is going to be back?” not that I would ever admit it to him, but he keeps me calm in stressful situations, and I need that right now.

“He should be back soon darling, he left almost twenty minutes ago.”

Just as she says that Obi-Wan hurdles into the room and pulls me right into a hug.

“Anakin! I am getting old, you can’t scare me like that ever again.”

Finally breaking into tears I start sending pleading sorry's at him. I know I have messed up and he probably won't want anything to do with me anymore, I get it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to be distressed about it.

Pulling me in tighter whispers reassurances to me until I can catch my breath again.

“Obi-Wan I know you are probably so disappointed in me, but please I can do better! Don’t leave me please, please, please.”

“Anakin I am not mad, I am not disappointed, and I am certainly not going to leave you. I just want you to get better”

Confusedly I pull back and blink up at Obi-Wan “But I promised you, I promised you, and being the failure that I am I had to go and break it, I don’t deserve you”

“Ani, you are depressed, and sunk to a dark place, I am not holding it against you what happened. I just really want you to understand that I am here for you no matter what and if you are ever feeling this way you know you can come to me for help.”

“I know you will tolerate me coming to you, but I don’t want to burden you anymore with my issues that I should have already gotten over.”

“You will never be a burden on me, and I need to know that you will get help and work on getting past this. You almost died, and I don’t know what I would have done if you had.”

I am already looking at him warily but he just continues,

“Please Anakin, just promise that you will be going to some so that you can talk this through and so that you won’t feel the need to cut anymore.”

“I promise” And this promise is something I plan on sticking too until my dying breath.

Spoiler alert, I do.


End file.
